My Mom used to tell me that I am made of sterner stuff and I have always kept that in mind. The past week, however, has been very hectic. There is the increasing number of patients whose complaints ranged from the elderly pneumonia, to a 4-year old who has dengue shock syndrome, plus the mundane, too. There are the academic activities of the department and the PAFP Post-Grad over the weekend. The absence of a co-resident because of a family crisis and being left when all of my residency batch mates are leaving SUMCFI are all adding to the stress. I believe that I managed to keep a brave front amidst the continuous bantering and questions from different persons. Until today.
She told me at the exit door of the ER after seeing a patient in bed 1 that "dugay naman ka wala ni-duty, duty naka dapat karon or ugma; ky wala pa raba si joan..."
It spoke a lot of things to me, more meanings that I have been denying myself to understand.
It made me cry. I cried because I was exhausted and crushed.
I cried because the one consultant with whom I have always given the extra mile(s) did not see the effort I have placed in seeing her patients from the ER and to the wards; making sure the labs are in, pestering the nurses about the medications being given on time, missing meal times and going home late.
What she said, I took it as if like, all I am doing was for nothing. Do I have to tell her how arduous it is to follow the schedule that I have now - 730AM to 600PM Almost Everyday; When I could have been somewhere else - in a much less gruelling schedule without all the pressure.
All I was asking was to have the weekend off after the Post-Grad. Does that make me selfish?
If I am going to be a bitch about it, I would think that she was infuriated that I was not around when px361 went into desaturation, CP arrested and expired. Why? If I was around, would I have prevented the almost simultaneous Code Blues during Sunday's duty? Can I be faulted?
Let me spell this out: I am tired. I am dragging myself out of bed just to get to the hospital and do what residents do (Reminder: I have finished residency already December 2009) - admit patients, make rounds, follow up labs, give updates, go on 36-hour duties, endorse patients. All these I have to do, in addition to being wife, sister, friend and most importantly, a person. A person who has feelings, who gets tired, who gets hurt and who gets angry, too. I no longer enjoy what I am doing. This is not fun for me. Not anymore.
I do not want to know how I looked like while I bawled inside the Chairman's office. while I was telling her - how sad, how frustrated, tired and angry, I am. She listened. She told me if I wanted to see the other consultant so she will know. I said no because she will not understand (I have seen her more than a few times in such situations, and she has her own family crisis, too). She also told me that it is in crisis when the true personality is known.
Solutions:
1. Wipe my tears and blow my nose - DONE.
2. Take a break but I have to endure the remaining days of the week when the co-resident comes. I have to admit patients, make rounds, follow up labs and go on duty while I wait. Wait. Again.
3. Schedule my breaks. BREAKS.
4. Take the waiting time as part of my preparation for the diplomate board examination.
5. Remember Always: I am made of sterner stuff. And patience is a virtue.
"...Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I (will) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus..." (Philippians 3:13-14).
