Tito Lando and Tita Mila

Living in MSU was not pleasant for some reasons- the ramifications of my parents' separation hovering, going to school on such a pitiful allowance even on an a scholarship, the pressure of being the best in school with such professorial and well-known aunt and uncle around, and residing with them when I knew that I do not have the financial capacity to pay for the food I am eating and for the bed I am sleeping on. I perfectly understand why Tita can be so grumpy sometimes - it is tough being left with two growing children on most days of the week while Tito is away in CDO for work; Added to that is the teacher's workload and the stress of managing the rest of the household including the budget with two more mouths to feed (Roanne and I).  I think, I feeL, and I know that no matter how much work I put inside the house (sweeping floors, washing the dishes, cooking meals, watering the plants, brushing screened doors and windows, and Linoleum floors), would not and could not pay for the economics or the strain and tension of having another adolescent and a young adult inside the house to look out for.   
I remember, when Tito Lando received his first paycheck as an attorney (Clerk of Court), together with the rest his children, Roan and I were given P1000.00 each to spend in LimKetKai. I bought a new pair of Reebok white rubber shoes that I am going to use for my PE class and for walking because the house is in 7th Street.  I kept the rest of the money which was later used for Roan's pocket money when she was sent to represent the school for a Damath Competition in Catabato. Roanne and I were both thankful.

There were a lot of good memories to reminisce while living in MSU:

Tita Mila taught me how to bake my first chocolate cake, siopao, meatbread, banana bread, cassava cake, cuchinta, palitao, etc... using the stained Golden Gate spiral notebook of recipes that she has kept for the longest time. I learned by observing her how to take care of a baby, of Tchaika (the poopoo, the weewee, how to hold and carry , getting  vaccinations at Amai Pakpak etc). I saw how difficult it is to be a mother to two bickering children. I once witnessed Andrea and Dodz trying to kill each other, how painful it must be that it has brought her to tears. I tasted Tita Mila's tilapia with the curry powder sauce, the beef randang, the tinunuan na monggos og baboy...hmmmm....
Tita Mila had helped me in school, too. Schedules especially PE, that I have the best teachers but not the "toxic" ones; and when I do get to have them, she borrowed books for me - that book in English and History that is almost always not available in the University Library. She also encouraged me to join the MSU Varsitarian to attend late evening meetings with the other members of the editorial staff.

Tito Lando, on the other hand, speaks directly with just the right amount of words. I do not like him to get upset or angry. Having him  during the weekends means order and harmony around the house. He would bring all sorts of gadgets that "make life easier"  - the massager, the exerciser, etc...=) 


Most of all, Tito Lando, with his love for books, music, and movies, had given Roanne and I a different kind of education. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Yancey, the Sinatras, the Earth, Wind and Fires, Fiddler on the Roof, Time, Newsweek, Reader's Digest Collection of Books. What I understand about politics and world events is because of his careful and patient explanation of how history shaped this world  (that thick book of History on the top shelf).

Most of all, Tito Lando and Tita Mila, brought Roanne and I to the Christian Group - the Sunday worship, Cell group meeting, Sundowns and Sunsets gatherings, One-on-one Bible study, Summer Camps, Family Camps,...

There will always be a portion of how I feel and how I think that is shaped by my years in MSU, with Tito Lando and Tita Mila. For that I am always thankful.

"...we Live by faith, not by sight....2Corinthians5:7"

P. S. 

I should have paid attention when they tried to teach us the sports (tennis, table tennis, badminton)....tsk...tskkk...

 

writing

i have used a lot of words today... will have more to write tomorrow.

to you: it is my prayer that a good night's rest will open your eyes to what is real;

(exhausted) (not untiL today) (why I cried) Patience is A Virtue.

My Mom used to tell me that I am made of sterner stuff and I have always kept that in mind. The past week, however, has been very hectic. There is the increasing number of patients whose complaints ranged from the elderly pneumonia, to a 4-year old who has dengue shock syndrome, plus the mundane, too.  There are the academic activities of the department and the PAFP Post-Grad  over the weekend. The absence of a co-resident because of a family crisis and being left when all of my residency batch mates are leaving SUMCFI are all adding to the stress. I believe that I managed to keep a brave front amidst the continuous bantering and questions from different persons. Until today. 

She told me at the exit door of the ER after seeing a patient in bed 1 that "dugay naman ka wala ni-duty, duty naka dapat karon or ugma; ky wala pa raba si joan..."  

It spoke a lot of things to me, more meanings that I have been denying myself to understand.

It made me cry. I cried because I was exhausted and crushed.

I cried because the one consultant with whom I have always given the extra mile(s) did not see the effort I have placed in seeing her patients from the ER and to the wards; making sure the labs are in, pestering the nurses about the medications being given on time, missing meal times and going home late.

What she said, I took it as if like, all I am doing was for nothing. Do I have to tell her how arduous it is to follow the schedule that I have now - 730AM to 600PM Almost Everyday; When I could have been somewhere else - in a much less gruelling schedule without all the pressure. 

All I was asking was to have the weekend off after the Post-Grad. Does that make me selfish?

If I am going to be a bitch about it, I would think that she was infuriated that I was not around when px361 went into desaturation, CP arrested and expired. Why? If I was around, would I have prevented the almost simultaneous Code Blues during Sunday's duty? Can I be faulted?

Let me spell this out: I am tired. I am dragging myself out of bed just to get to the hospital and do what residents do (Reminder: I have finished residency already December 2009) - admit patients, make rounds, follow up labs, give updates, go on 36-hour duties, endorse patients. All these I have to do, in addition to being wife, sister, friend and most importantly, a person. A person who has feelings, who gets tired, who gets hurt and who gets angry, too. I no longer enjoy what I am doing. This is not fun for me. Not anymore.

I do not want to know how I looked like while I bawled inside the Chairman's office. while I was telling her  - how sad, how frustrated, tired and angry, I am. She listened. She told me if I wanted to see the other consultant so she will know. I said no because she will not understand (I have seen her more than a few times in such situations, and she has her own family crisis, too). She also told me that it is in crisis when the true personality is known.

Solutions: 

1. Wipe my tears and blow my nose - DONE.

2. Take a break but I have to endure the remaining days of the week when the co-resident comes. I have to admit patients, make rounds, follow up labs and go on duty while I wait. Wait. Again.

3. Schedule my breaks. BREAKS.

4. Take the waiting time as part of my preparation for the diplomate board examination.

5. Remember Always: I am made of sterner stuff. And patience is a virtue.

"...Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I (will) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus..." (Philippians 3:13-14).